It seems as though all emotional experience has become a battleground to be fought in the culture war. A recent entry is an essay presenting “mom rage” as a social diagnosis, as well as a result of the pandemic. The author of the essay resorts to feminist theory as well as to others. Perhaps developmental theory is not one that was considered.
Very young children are not yet completely socialized, are not yet aware of the need to consider others, and have little control of their impulses. Also, language skills are just developing and they are often not able to say what they need or want.
I encountered this when coming upon my very young grandson interacting with an aunt who was visiting. Without thinking I began a conversation with the visitor who politely responded to me, whereupon the child began poking her and becoming provocative. Understanding what was happening I told my grandson that I realized I had interrupted his play with his aunt and that he could tell her, “My turn” instead of poking her. He was able to do this and further conflict was avoided.
I realize that as the grandmother I was not the one being provoked and as an onlooker could understand the child’s behavior. When mothers are primary caregivers, they may have to deal with comparable situations many times a day when they have many other responsibilities and are often stressed physically and emotionally. They need or want compliance from the child and may not be so understanding of his behavior and developmental level.
These may be the moments when a mother’s own anger rises to the surface and she may struggle with her own impulse to lash out at the child. If this is the “mother rage” the author is experiencing it is a common feeling that almost all mothers can recognize, full-time mothers in particular.
Of course, these days many mothers are also working mothers, meaning they have multiple responsibilities and sources of stress beyond a child’s behavior. And despite the significantly greater participation by fathers, mothers often remain responsible for addressing child-care needs, plus the usual household responsibilities.
Grandparents can, and often do pitch in to help when living close enough. There are grandparents who have been able to take over daily care in families with working mothers. Do grandmothers then experience the “mother rage” referred to? My own experience suggests they do not. Perhaps the difference lies in the feeling of responsibility for a child’s behavior. Mothers are the ones blamed or criticized for a child’s behavior. It may be the feeling that it is somehow her fault that intensifies her anger when a child is provocative or misbehaves.
In any case, parents do need help in the child-rearing years. Help from grandparents may be a partial solution when possible but a broader family support system is needed, particularly good, affordable child care. Theorizing about “mother rage” is not the support needed.
Good Enough Mothering 