An old movie by that name told a story about an event as it was experienced by three different participants. Each participant gave a different version of what had occurred. I was reminded of this in a recent conversation with a grandchild about a family matter that all other family members were aware of in one way or another.
In this conversation my grandchild had his own point of view and also one about everyone else’s perspective in the matter. I too, had a point of view and had heard the view of others directly from them individually. None were alike – including my own. Yet each one believed his point of view was the correct one.
My grandchildren each also had an opinion about what should be done in the matter. I wondered if they were waiting for me to say what should be done, as if my opinion would be determinative. I refrained from doing that for several reasons. Aside from not wanting the role of family arbiter, it was clear they each had a different opinion about who was at fault in the matter: mother or father. Children often blame their parents for things they don’t like. As grandmother I chose to avoid the blame game.
More interesting to me was hearing the description of parents from a child’s point of view – in this instance from one my adult grandchildren. His description included his view and judgment of their behavior, as well as an analysis of their personalities. This differed from the opinion I had heard from his younger brother.
It was apparent that for both of them their judgments included and were based on childhood memories. Current behavior of their parents was not clearly differentiated from the way they had experienced their parents as young children. What children experience, according to their developmental stage, is often quite different from what parents think they were doing or intended doing.
For example, children may feel unfairly criticized or blamed by their parents for certain behavior. They also may feel overwhelmed by parental anger. Especially when it comes to sibling rivalry, they may experience parents as unfair. At different stages of their own development, they may identify with one or the other of their parents. This may help shape their later opinions of parental behavior.
As grandparents, we may think we know the true story of how a grandchild was raised. However, our own perceptions are also influenced by our own developmental stages. As parents we also may not have understood what our children experienced. Now as grandparents, we may need to question our perception of how our children are raising their children.
Perhaps the message is that all individual experience is part of Rashomon. The meaning we give depends on who we are as individuals as well as where we are in life’s stages.
Good Enough Mothering 