I started writing this blog many years ago, calling it Good Enough Mothering, because in my experience both as a mother and parent educator, I saw mothers trying to be perfect, feeling they were not doing a good enough job raising their children. My blog for parents was started in order to have a conversation about this question, and about the many other questions mothers have asked me over the years.
Now as a grandmother, I am in a different role, yet find myself asking and answering the same questions. Many of the issues we dealt with as mothers continue to surface as grandmothers, because in fact, we are still mothers, even though now engaging with our children about the raising of their children – our grandchildren.
There is a common theme in the changed role. In both instances there is the assumption that parents are responsible for their children’s behavior, that they have – or should have – the ability to “make them behave in particular ways.” Mothers are always blamed for their children’s behavior. Now they are, and feel blamed, by their own mothers, now grandmothers.
Oddly, as grandmothers we seem much more certain about how our children should be raising their children than we were when we were raising them. Does grandmother know best? Our children may feel as though we act that way. As children, they expected us as mothers to make life perfect for them. Our inability to do that created feelings of guilt. Do we now expect them to do that for their own children?
Are we transferring that need for perfection to them when they become the mothers of our grandchildren? As grandparents we are apt to see our grandchildren as perfect, blaming any imperfections on their mothers – our children. Inadvertently, have we as grandmothers joined the critical chorus blaming mothers?
I have often heard friends who are grandmothers say, the best thing about it is that you can enjoy your grandchildren without having to worry about the day–to–day responsibility. Grandchildren may experience this as being allowed to do whatever they want. Mothers may see this as spoiling their children, thereby transferring the blame they often receive, to the grandparents.
So, who and what is a good enough grandmother? Answering that question about a good enough mother meant thinking about the purpose of child-rearing, raising and caring for dependent children, preparing and teaching them to live in the world they will live in, learning to meet their own needs while considering the needs of others.
How does that relate to being a good enough grandmother? We do not have the responsibility of raising and caring for dependent children, except perhaps in unusual circumstances. How about teaching them to live in the world while considering their own needs as well as the needs of others? Grandparents are often thought to be in teaching roles. How does that accord with the role of parents?
I welcome your input in thinking about the answer to these questions and how you see the role of grandmothers, including any questions or anecdotes about your grandchildren.
You can respond by clicking the contact option on the home page of this website. I look forward to hearing from you.
Good Enough Mothering 